Loneliness

The walls in my tiny studio apartment hold my entire life. My thoughts, my feelings, my secrets. These walls have seen every part of me. My happy smiles, my ugly sobs that I try to contain as I struggle to catch my breath. They know me better than anyone because they can see all of the parts of me that I hide from everyone else. It's just me, my cat, and these walls that surround me. How did I ever get to be this lonely?

I sort of always knew that I was meant to be on my own. I never felt like I fit in. I was always awkward, the odd one out. I never had many friends, as I preferred to be alone most of the time. This type of alone feels different, though. I didn't choose this. I was sort of forced into being in my own space. Most of the time, I don't mind my time alone. But it's when the darker parts of me creep up that I wish I had someone around. Sometimes it's scary to be alone with my thoughts. The negative things that run through my head do not seem to have an OFF switch. They just keep coming and coming until... they don't. It's a hard cycle going from feeling happy and motivated to depressed and can barely get out of bed. A ruthless cycle indeed. 

But being this lonely has its benefits. The less people you have around you, the lesser chance you'll wind up hurt. No one can hurt you if they aren't even around to begin with. I'm also getting to know myself better. I spend every day with myself and when I am truly alone, I am just me. I've learned so many things about the girl inside of me. I am caring, loving, creative, short-tempered, chronically sad... I am good and I am bad. I know my brain like the back of my hand. I know everything about who I am now. I don't think I really like knowing all these things about myself. 

I think at this point I am too used to the loneliness. When I engage with others, I find myself avoiding their gaze as if they are Medusa. My hands start to fidget with the lining on my shirt. I do not remember how to put complete sentences together. It is an awful feeling. This is why I would much rather stay in my tiny studio apartment where no one can see me or truly know me.